


To Feel

by CJ_Quill



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, Comfort, Family, Panic Attacks, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Canon, Speculation, Trans Peter Parker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 21:39:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14656764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJ_Quill/pseuds/CJ_Quill
Summary: INFINITY WAR SPOILERS!! DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN!!Peter wakes up.





	To Feel

**Author's Note:**

> This is a speculation fic about when the effects of the snap are inevitably reversed and my sweet boy Peter comes back.   
> Enjoy!

The first thing I feel is cool air pulling into my dusty lungs. It doesn’t feel like any time has passed, but I’m pretty sure I’m not in space anymore. I’m actually not sure where I am at all, or what’s going on, or if everything’s okay yet but I don’t give that the chance to scare me right now because all I can think about is how breathing just feels so good.  _ Feeling _ feels so good. I can feel my heart beating inside me, the pressurized iron suit tingling against my skin, the custom-made binder inside pushing in on my chest, my feet firm on the ground, my knees shaking under the weight I forgot how to hold up.

It’s a lot more than I can usually handle at once, but when the last thing you remember is the complete lack of feeling, it’s nice to have it back.

The second thing I feel is a pair of arms closing tightly around me, clinging to me, holding me safely together like they’re afraid I’ll crumble away. I can’t say I blame them, I’m a little afraid too.

“Aunt May?” I ask, still not entirely aware of my surroundings yet.

“Guess again, kid.” Mr. Stark speaks quietly into my ear, as if too loud a volume would destabilize me.

The breath in my lungs feels tighter all of a sudden.  _ Mr. Stark is here. Mr. Stark wants to hug me.  _ For a second I start to wonder how long I was gone before I shake that away. That’s a scary question for another time.  _ I should probably hug back _ , I think,  _ Mr. Stark probably wants me to hug back. _

I don’t really remember how my body works at first. Shaky hands twitch up at the wrists, my arms confused, struggling to lift themselves but manage to fumble clumsily around my mentor in return. His chin is on my shoulder and my face is pressed against his chest, the arc reactor warm on my cheek. I turn out a little bit. I still want to breathe as much as I can.

“I-I’m sorry, Mr. Stark,” I stammer.

“No, Peter,” Mr. Stark’s voice is so soft. I’ve never heard him sound that way before; it kind of scares me. “ _ I’m _ sorry. I’m so sorry I let this happen to you. You should’ve been able to count on me to keep you safe. I failed you, and I failed May. That’s on me.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, turning back against Mr. Stark’s chest. I don’t want him to sound so hopeless. I wish he would lecture me.

“It’s okay, Mr. Stark, I’m here now, I’m back,” I ramble, trying to be reassuring even though my knees are shaking so hard beneath me and I’m still not even sure I really  _ am  _ back.

Mr. Stark doesn’t say anything. I don’t think he knows what to say. I can feel his breaths against my ear; they’re heavy and hollow. Tired. I squeeze him tight to show I’m not upset. If he thinks I'm not upset maybe he’ll stop sounding like that. He pats my back.

“Alright, well, we wouldn't want to keep your aunt waiting any longer, so why don't you put this mask on and I'll get you home?” Mr. Stark pulls away, ruffling my hair awkwardly and hands me my mask.

I pull it on reluctantly and Mr. Stark activates his own - fixed, I think - suit to fly me back to my apartment. Below us I can see people on the street reappearing, staring at their hands, patting themselves up and down, looking all around. Lost, probably confused. I wonder if those weird people we met in space are okay. 

Mr. Stark walks me to my floor and knocks on my door. When Aunt May opens up I pull the mask back off and Mr. Stark edges me forward.

“I think this belongs to you.” He says.

“ _ Peter! _ ” May cries, clapping her hands over her mouth.

She pulls me inside, grabbing my face with both hands and pressing her forehead to mine. Her eyes are all sparkly and glistening and her cheeks are red, tear-streaked. She looks so exhausted.

“Hi, Aunt May.” I don’t know what else to say.

“Hi, Peter,” She laughs just a little bit, her voice heavy with sobs, and yanks me into another tight embrace. “It’s so good to see you, sweetheart… Don’t you  _ ever _ leave me again…”

My chest is so tight. Breathing doesn’t feel all that good anymore. Nothing does. 

I really want to do my nonchalant Spider-Man thing and brush it off like it’s no big deal, because I’m back now so why  _ should _ it be a big deal? All I want to do is lighten the mood. But with May crying like that, reminding me that just a few minutes ago I was  _ gone _ … I just can’t.

“I was s-so  _ scared _ ,” I choke.

My legs give out. I sink to the floor in May’s arms. She pushes my hair out of my face and kisses my forehead. I can feel her shaking, too, and I hate that I did that to her. She’s already lost way too much and for however long I was gone, she’d lost me, too. I hug her back and we’re sitting in a heap on the ground holding so tight to each other it’s exhausting.

There are a lot of feelings I'm not enjoying that much right now - the choking sobs in my throat, my knees folded awkwardly beneath me, the tightness of my chest, all of it being heightened by my supersenses to the point it's overwhelming. But May’s arms wrapped around me pull some of the weight off.

May’s hugs are one of my favorite feelings. They’re tight with so much love, familiarity and safety, something that’s been a constant source of comfort for me my entire life. No matter what happened, whether or not what I told her was even true, Aunt May has always been there with a hug.

I bury my face in her shoulder, curtained by her hair. She strokes mine gently.

“I was, too.” May tilts my chin up so we’re eye to eye and brushes tears from my cheek. She kisses my forehead again. 

“I’m sorry.” It’s all I want to say.

_ I should’ve stayed on the bus. I should’ve gone home when Mr. Stark said to. I should’ve been faster getting the gauntlet off. I should’ve been stronger. I should’ve fought harder. I should’ve, I should’ve, I should’ve. _

Suddenly I realize just how much I want to be out of this suit.

“You’ve been through so much.” May murmurs against my forehead.

I wish she would scold me. 

I wish it was my own fault. If it had been my fault, I don't think it would scare me so much. Hindsight is comforting; if I can figure out what  _ I _ did wrong to cause something bad, I can figure out what to do next time to prevent it. I can rationalize my way out of letting it scare me.

I can't rationalize the things I can't control. I don't know how to prevent the bad things if I don't know why they happened. That Star-man, the bug lady, the buff blue guy, me,  _ something _ had to cause it all to go wrong. 

Something I did had to be wrong. Something I do is always wrong.  _ Something, something, something. _

I don't realise how hard I'm crying.

“Peter,” Aunt May turns me up to her again. “Peter, hey, look at me. Come out of your head. I’m here, you don’t have to hide in there. Haven’t I always kept you safe?”

I nod. If I tried to talk I think I’d just apologize again. May breathes in, pulling her hand into her chest. She holds until I copy her, then exhales and pushes out. We breathe together. May pulls me back in close, so I can feel her heartbeat.

“Oh, sweetheart, you must be overloading like  _ crazy _ ." She realizes.

“Yeah, a little,” I confirm, nodding.

“Why don't you get out of that suit and into something cozy, huh? I'll make us dinner and we can watch  _ How It’s Made _ like we do when you're sick. Does that sound good?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” I smile.

May takes both of my hands and pulls me to my feet with her. I hug her again, not wanting to let go quite yet. She kisses my hair again. The warmth of that love and safety spreads through me, and I feel okay to walk by myself.

_ That's the best feeling,  _ I decide, _ That's why the bad stuff is all worth it. _

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
